To my darling son
It’s here. It’s arrived, the day I’ve been dreading since the day you were born.
Today is your first day of ‘proper’ school. I barely slept last night, heck I’ve barely slept in weeks. Will you settle? Do you understand that you’re there to learn as well as play? Do you understand that you won’t see me as much as you do now? Are you nervous? Will they see you for your crazy little self?
I promise to try not to cry and be brave because I don’t want to make to big a thing about how our lives are going to change. We’ve talked about it and I feel like you’re ready. However had parliament passed the new, much-debated law, to allow summer born children to start school a year later I would not be feeling how I feel today. Why? Because today you would be back in part-time nursery and not starting full-time reception at primary school. But I’m a wimp and I couldn’t take the risk of you having to miss a year of school somewhere down the line. No one could guarantee this for me so I felt that I had no option but to send you to full-time school.
Sure I tell myself, I tell others, that you’re ready. But deep down I know it’s just me trying to convince myself you’ll be OK. Who decided the cut off all those years ago? I get the point that there has to be a cut off somewhere but you only turned 4 in the summer holidays. Had you been born a few weeks later you would have another year of nursery and we would have lots more days together. I am so jealous of the Mums who get an extra year. Sure I appreciate not everyone gets this as their children are in full-time nursery but this could have been us. Sadly it’s not.
Now I have to pass you over to someone else for more days of the year than I get to spend with you. Are they going to pick you up if you fall and hurt yourself? Will they wipe your tears and give you a hug? Will they get your quirky personality? Will they appreciate your gorgeous giggle the way I do? How is it they get to see you more than I do? Will you be good? Will you listen? Most of all please eat your lunch!! But who is going to cut it up and blow it cool? So many things to worry about, especially as you’ve only just learnt to get yourself dressed!
You won’t even be legal school age for the whole year of reception class. I would like to hope that we will take advantage of this. I just hope time doesn’t pass us by in a blink of an eye as the past four years have. No one is ever kidding you when they say that it all goes way too fast. Truth is it does and you have to cherish the cuddles, the ‘I love you’s’ the ‘Mummy, Mummy, Mummy’s’ because one day they won’t be there anymore.
The trouble is I already dread the future. I dread you leaving home, I dread you not needing me and most of all I dread you just not being around every day of my life. Life puts you in this world of ours and leaves you with us for such a short part of your life. I hope we can always do the right thing by you and that we can make a mark on your life as much as school will do. I hope you enjoy school more than I did. Most of all never forget how much your Mummy loves you and will miss you.
Luckily this week is just a settling in week and you’re only there for a few hours over 4 days. I hope this doesn’t lull you into a false sense of security thinking I will be around lots still. We spent the morning together and you were quite content to sit around cuddling and chilling out. I nearly cried, but I held it together. I watched you walk confidently into your new school room and sit on the floor with your friends. We waved through the window and I made my way home without you. I wish we had another year…………
Love always and forever Mummy xxxx